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Saturday, July 2, 2011

I am Torn.

Hello my lovelies,
this will be a personal post about what I am going through right now!

For the readers that follow me on twitter, you might have realized that yesterday was one of my worst days yet. After working hard this whole schoolyear, passing most of all my modules.. I still failed three of them in the last exam week. And from all the modules I got this year, three sounds like a small problem. But it's anything but small. My school has this weird rule about combining modules together, which means that if you manage to fail one, you automatically won't get the credits from the other.
I'm going to be honest, this f#cking sucks! To be able to continue to the second year you must at least have 40 credits. Because I failed three exams, I'm now at 38!!!! And in reality it's not even 38, it's 48! But because of the combination rule, they only count the 38 on paper.

If a first year student does not get all the 40 credits, the rules are that they can not continue the study. And that's the worst part. I moved all the way from Curaçao to Holland just so I can study IBMS. And now I'm probably not even allowed anymore. I am so disappointed and right now I feel so helpless, all I did was cry and feel sorry for myself. I feel really bad that I disappointed myself, but I can't stand the fact that I let my parents down. Even though they keep telling me they're very proud of me, I can't help but think different.

I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like watching tv, going out.. I don't even feel like eating. I am just torn.. My heart is just broken, as if I just lost love. This was supposed to be an awesome summer, but I don't see how it can be after this. My only hope is that I can convince and beg the exam committee on Monday to give me another chance. Even if it's that I re-do the first year, I just want to continue with my IBMS study. That is my future. My parents told me to start thinking of a Plan B, and I know they're right, but I just don't see myself doing any other study that isn't IBMS.

My mind keeps going back to yesterday, as I wished things were different.
But I don't know, maybe this is God's plan for me.. I mean, There are no shortcuts to any place worth going, right? You have to face some struggles to get to where you want to go, in order to become a stronger person, right?
This is usually advice I give to others, but I think it's time for me to take it for myself now. There's no point in stressing and worrying about it, because those won't get you anywhere in life. All I can do is pray to God and let faith be. I need to be thankful that my problem isn't half as big as problems other people in the world are facing right now.

I didn't think writing about my feelings would make me feel better, but I'm glad it did. I just need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And just put all my trust in God. He's the only one that can make anything happen!

I thought I needed someone to cheer me up, but I think all I needed was just someone to listen to me. So, Thank you!


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  1. HEEEYYY WHAT IS THIS NOWWW!!! Come up, pump that spirit girl. Remember" 'Change the path but never the destination'. Embrace all your hurdles, because that's a sign that great thing are coming your way. You have still a long way to go so don't quit on me now. I'm here for you ♥

  2. Be strong and like your parents said start thinking about plan B! Don't let that one thing ruin everything else for you!
    Everything happens for a reason!
    But if you keep looking back on that one mistake you will loose everything else!

    Here is my quote ever since karate kid came out!
    Life will knock us down, but we can choose to get back up!

    Be positive


  3. Girl chin up & don't give up!
    This is something that happen to me to a couple of years ago and I also asked the exam committee to give me a chance which they did.

    But that's not my point. My point is that you're young and maybe you're thinking that IBMS is meant for you but maybe truly it's not. There's something greater awaiting for you, something better, you just have to see it...

    And don't feel sorry for yourself, remember we all have to fall sometimes so we can reach and get up. From all our failures we learn more and more about life.

    So keep your head up and think this true, be openminded and never lose yourself and never ever lose Hope!

  4. Girl, school is hard, I like how you have turned to GOD to help you with this situation. And vent anytime on your blog, that's what it's there for! I wish you luck with everything

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  5. Hey Boo, keep a positive state of mind! That's the most important action in these kinda situations.. U might have deviated from ur plans, but if u really want something, u'll get there one way or another if u just keep the right state of mind.. Ur just at the very beginning of ur journey, so it's certainly not the end 4 u!
    Good luck hun.. ♥


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